MY GRANDMA'S DOG (A poem I wrote when I was 15)

MY GRANDMA’S DOG


My Grandma’s Dog is big and tall
She loves it when I throw her ball
I throw her ball into the air
The dog, she jumps to catch it there

I met the dog when I was young
The first part I met was her tongue
From that day we became great friends
We’d play until the day would end

We’d run and jump, play hide and seek
Then on her stomach, I’d fall asleep
The dog was like a giant to me
I loved her so much – every flea

When I left she’d whine and howl
And I’d cry til we left town
From my grandma’s house we’d drive away
And on my bed the dog would stay

As my life went on and on
From my mind the dog had gone
My great friend, lost from my mind
My memory of her had become blind

Replaced with girls, school and sport
No time to give her a thought
I wonder now if she missed me then
If she knew I missed her now and again

Last time I saw her, she wasn’t so tall
She was old but still wanted to play ball
She still gave her me her big dog smile
Even though I hadn’t seen her for a while

I was told the dog slept on my bed on the day
When death decided to take her away
My life now still goes on and on
I miss the dog now she has gone.

Grandma's Eulogy (written when I was 16)

Dear my adopted Grandma,

You adopted me as your Grandson and became a part of my childhood.
You’ll always be there when I think of the good times in my life.
I remember the walks to the park with Heidi, the glasses of Sarsaparilla, the bedtime stories and the school holidays we spent.
The times we spent talking and the board games we played.
I remember you tying a piece of string to the door handles so I could open them because I was too small.
I remember you would let me pick out my own personal show bag of toys and lollies because I couldn’t go to the show.
It seems so long ago, but I have and will always remember these times.

I grew up and the visits and phone calls became less but I never forgot.

You never yelled or even said no.
You made me feel so spoiled and so loved.
You were my Grandma when I didn’t have one.
You took me in like family and now I just hope that the Grandchildren you finally got will remember you as I do.
The sad part is they will miss some of the things that you gave me.

You helped in the moulding to make me the person I am today.
Without you in my childhood I’d be a different person.
I just wish I could have thanked you before
I’ll have to tell you in heaven.
I hope you’ll bake me a cake when I get there.

I feel for everyone who knew you – family and friends.
You were an extremely kind and loving person who will always be a part of my childhood and a part of me.

Sadly missed and never forgotten.

Memories forever.

With love from your Grandson,

Jon.

Ps. Please give Heidi a pat from me.

I DONT KNOW

Take me to another world
Make me feel
My heart fills with sorrow and happiness at once
Torn in silence
Truthfulness Forgetfulness
Hating myself yet loving another life
Impatient for change
Change constantly searching for
Ever giving self indulgence
Empathy without Sympathy
In a state of constant confusion
Of what is right and what is wrong
And who is right and who is wrong
And the blurred lines in between
What is moral and what is noble
Optimism surrounded by cynicism
Blamed mentality
Unhappiness Happiness Crapiness
Successful mind
Successful heart
Unsuccessful life
Judging eyes from those who care
Left out
Nothing is real
Nothing is sacred
The constant saying of
I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know

Ian Thorpe won't you be my man friend

Ian Thorpe won't you be my man friend
I think about you from my day's start to end
You're the best swimmer on the earth
Of your child I'd give birth

I will comb your hair and shave your face
We could have sleep over's at my place
We'd talk about girls and giggle and laugh
We could go for a swim in my mum's spa bath

You would beat me of course in our spa bath race
And water would splash all over the place
Then we'd dry off and watch your favorite movie
And mum could make us a banana smoothie

I go to the pool and put on my speedo
And pretend I'm the great Thorpedo
I wear Ian Thorpe brand Jewlery and Ian Thorpe cologne
You're so good; you'd give a dog a bone

Ian Thorpe wont you be my man friend
My aching heart you would mend
Oh Thorpy wont you hear my plea
I just hope that one day you and I can be 'we'...


(We as in us together, not urine.)

(I don't want Ian Thorpe to pee on me)

I LOVE DOGS AND I LOVE YOU

I love dogs and I love you

I love dogs and I love you
Dogs have wet tongues and you do too
I like it when a dogs licks me
I don't like it when I'm bit by a bee
I can call my dog a bitch and she doesn't mind
You call me a bitch when you smack my behind
My dog doesn't smack me
It just shakes hands
My dog begs and never makes demands
I love dogs and I love you
But at least I don't have to pick up your poo

My dog is like Kimmy Gibbler from Full House...

The Flat Chested Woman from Baywatch…

And Chunk from Goonies…

Combined…

Into a dog.

THEN NOTHING

Hesitate before that first kiss
Awkward silence
A touch…

Then nothing.

Flirting with love or disaster
Perhaps both
A look…

Then nothing.

A loving joke followed by a push
Thinking about it
A hug…

Then nothing.

An in-depth conversation
Connecting feeling
So close…

Then nothing.

A feeling of closeness
Emotional connection
A future…

Then nothing.

An unexpected loving compliment
A fluttering heart
A warmness…

Then nothing.

A heated argument
Underlying attraction
A sorry said…

Then nothing.
A connection felt
A realisation
A long stare…

Then nothing…

What’s after the nothing?
A changed life
A love
Then…



Something?

SOMEONE

SOMEONE


All you need is someone to need you
Someone who’s happy just with you
Someone who thinks of you
And you make them smile

Someone who feels like they can’t live without you
Someone who you feel when they think about you
Someone who is having fun but still wishes you were there

Someone who wants to share everything with you
To see how you feel and think
Someone with whom you can always laugh with
Someone who warms your heart
Someone who makes you feel good about yourself

Someone who does little things that makes you feel good
Someone you want to sit with
Someone who wants to sit with you
Someone whose touch makes your heart flutter

Someone who you enjoy talking to even if it’s an argument
Because you know it’s never hard to say sorry
Someone who forgives all the little bad things about you
Someone you hate to see hurt so much that you feel their pain as your own

Someone who makes you want to hold them sooooo tight
Someone who surprises you everyday
Someone who you miss when you wake up alone
Someone who little things remind you of them

When do we find this someone?
Who’s the someone for me and you?
Not everyone has a someone, but just hope that one day someone’s someone
is you.

I love someone.

Questioning Love

Pretty much every aspect of life constantly confuses me. I feel as though nothing is set or even really real. Emotions are something I just can’t grasp.

Love? What is love? People say you just know when you’re in love but I’m not sure about that. I don’t know if love even really exists? To me love is something that you should probably feel for everything and everyone you know or at least anyone that you have fond feelings for. Anyone who is your friend or whom you seem to have a connection to and if you’re a person who likes pretty much most people then you should in turn love them.

I don’t think anyone (generally but I know this is what I feel) really wants to see another person or living thing actually get hurt or see another person sad or in any sort of pain because in turn you feel a part of that pain. You watch films and read books so you feel what those characters are feeling and you empathise. I think the only difference between the above mentioned ‘platonic’ kind of love and the love shared between two people who are ironically called ‘lovers’ is the physical attraction.

So I don’t think that there is any one person that is meant to be with another. In fact I feel the exact opposite. I feel there are many people in this world who are capable of being lovers or ‘in love’ with each other. Two people who are in love are simply great friends who have a lot of things in common and enjoy each other’s company whom also find each other attractive. If you have a great friend whom you also find attractive then I think if there is mutual attraction then all that is needed is to act on that attraction.

The only time these relationships don’t work is when one of the two doesn’t find the other attractive anymore or their friendship isn’t what they thought it was. So really people who don’t stay together in the one relationship is because both the friendship and the attraction has ceased so much that you can’t rely on one of these two feelings to keep the relationship going. Some relationships would be 50% friendship and 50% attraction but when the attraction dies down to a lower percent then the friendship has to sustain the rest (eg. 30% attraction 70% friendship). If either of these can’t sustain the other to keep the relationship at 100% then there may be problems.

In this theory, perhaps humans aren’t really meant to be in completely monogamous relationships. Why are we one of the only species who really are?

I do believe in community though. Being surrounded by people who you like to be around – which is why people start families I guess? But why are we so bound by this notion of family. My brother and I are nothing alike. We have nothing in common except the same parents and siblings, other than that there is nothing? Does that mean that I’m still supposed to love him? Most people would be astounded by anyone who didn’t love their own brother but is that only because we’ve been trained that we have to love these people no matter what? That said I do love my brother because I love everyone – why shouldn’t I love everyone. I don’t want to see anyone get hurt ever and I especially don’t want anyone I actually know who is in my community getting hurt. So when asked if I love someone I will say ‘yes’. If I’m also attracted to that person does that make me ‘in love’ with them? I guess it does.

Feeling what it’s like to perform in front of 15000 screaming people without being in a band - the horrors of performing comedy at a music festival

Now I've performed comedy to maybe 1000 people at the most – and that was pretty daunting. Performing Comedy at the Falls Festival to about 3000 people was also quite scary – especially when you realize that how ever much you may want it to be – not everyone there is actually there to see you. Although, I didn't actually realize this until the next day. Performing to 1000 to 3000 people who aren't there to see you is tough (unless you convince them otherwise). Performing to 1000-3000 drunk people, standing, who've been watching bands, who don't know or care who you are, some who have massive bogan-like tendencies and yell "Get Off" before you've actually walked on stage, is F#CKED! That said, introducing Wolfmother to over 15000 people who aren't there to see you, but know you're introducing Wolfmother is F#cking Amazing!

I'll start at the beginning though.

When I was asked to MC for Falls, at first I just thought it was for the comedy and I was happy. When I got a call that was asking me to MC the bands on the Main Stage I was scared shitless (I literally couldn't shit – went to the doctor – he said you're not constipated – you're actually so scared you can no longer defecate). Pretty much that was the only information I got before walking onto the stage before Akmal.

If any comedians are reading this then I learnt a very valuable lesson in comedy. Introduction is the lifeblood of the dragon, without it the Dragon will be lost and unable to perform to its full comedic ability. I walked onto the stage and saw people leaning over the barrier like they were ready to see UB40 or some other wicked band. Unfortunately for me I wasn't UB40. That said, I didn't do too bad. I made my jokes about Falls and Camping and Dicks – so they didn't mind it and were relating to me. I did a bit of a shit intro to Akmal by telling the audience comically to "F#ck themselves" right before introducing him – lucky for him, he's not a Dragon and he kicked his performance in the dick. He was also a very nice guy and so was his wife as was Eddie Perfect and his lady friend – It was really nice to meet comedians who weren't arrogant and self-righteous toss bags.

Then it was onto the Main Stage to Intro The Vasco Era – More really nice guys, whom also weren't bags of toss (I'll mention some bands who were filled to the brim with toss later). I did however get in a bit of strife for my introduction. I finally got a bit of information as to what I was supposed to say and do from the organizers. I was supposed to tell people to be nice to the rubbish collectors and the staff, to go to the hippy village in the forest, to try the veal and tip the waitress. Instead I told about 10000 people that when the clock strikes 12 midnight on the 30th of December (New Years Eve Eve) that it was a Falls Festival Tradition for all the men to yell "Poonanay!" then pull out their penis' and play them like guitars (also known as "The Willy Banjo"), while this is happening all the women yell "Kaboomba!" grab themselves by the breasts and knock them together. Not EXACTLY what I was supposed to say – but I tried to explain that I was trying to get people's attention – I also wanted to see if anyone actually did it. The reason I got in a bit of trouble is that the organizers of Falls don't really want to condone Bogan behavior and see the festival to be more of a music festival rather than a Yobbo New Years Piss up. The irony being that by the time I had finished telling them to check out "The Hippy Village", the audience was chanting "Warnie". Could it be that all my Willy Banjo, "Poonanay" and "Kaboomba" talk had turned the entire crowd into Shane Warne worshipping, lower socio economic yobs????? To make up for my faux par I announce that the "Era of Shane Warne was over and that there was a dawning of a New Era! – The Vasco Era!!" – best introduction to a band with an audience chanting for a fat, womanizing cricket yob EVER!

The Vasco guys also asked me and my girl and a few other friends to dance on stage with them, which was also great. Especially great as we got to dance with the likes of Michael Franti, a guy who managed to be everywhere – sadly I would like to say we became friends and he hugged me and said "Jon, you are a beautiful person and I would like to put myself in you." But dancing was the best I could do.

Modest Mouse and Franti and Spearhead were awesome as you can imagine. And we had a great New Years Eve Eve. Lets just say it rained the next day due to my Dancing up a storm!

On day two, I was pretty tired and surprisingly a lot more nervous than day one. I met Justin Hazelwood (Bedroom Philosopher) and Charlie Pickering before the comedy and chatted about shit. I have met Charlie a few times (Including one crazy night performing in Wagga for the MS Comedy Gala). Charlie is one of those guys who is pretty much funny all the time, which would normally make me happy, but this day it instead made my confidence shoot down into a pit of despair (self doubt is a cruel mistress with a strap-on). I enjoyed chatting to Charlie and Justin before hand a bit too much to prepare my material properly – so in hosting I delved into my old jokes that I loathe so much I feel dirty when they leave my mouth – a little bit like Bart Simpson when he loses the faith in the words "I didn't do it". We were on a bit later than the day before and people were drunker and louder. There were not as many people there to see us and even less to see me. About 2 seconds before I was to go on the Stage manager asked me to tell the audience that it was raining and they should secure their tents and wind the windows up on their cars. So to send them away before the performances start is not really a good way of promoting the next act! I may as well tell them to "Go F#ck themselves" – oh hold on, I said that the day before… This was the day of walking on stage to hear "Get off!" before I even spoke. Then after my first joke, "Bring Charlie on!" Now, I'm assured that this was only 2 drunk dick-heads yelling and people were actually laughing but to me it was a little like my inner child was saying the same thing as he was getting beaten by the cruel mistress with the strap on. On the second yelling of "Bring Charlie on" the mistress had taken me from behind and was thrusting while my inner child wept. I succumbed and introduced Charlie without even finishing my joke – I even apologized to him like a feeble turd burger as we shook hands. I'm getting pretty good at this MC stuff!

Charlie kicked it in the dick! Well he actually kicked Tim Rodgers metaphorically in the Dick as apparently Tim Rodgers threatened to punch Charlie on stage the night before. This was after Justin (Bedroom – 1st name basis) actually said jokes about him and Tim got confused and threatened Charlie (A story that isn't mine so I wont tell it – but it's funny). The Bedroom Philosopher also played a great set and made me realize what professionalism is. It's not apologizing to the next comedian as you welcome them on stage.

So that was my comedy performances at Falls 2006 – not totally shit but I like to call it a learning experience.

After the comedy I turned my frown upside down and decided that I was going to put my inner child to bed (as he'd had a pretty big day – getting beaten with a strap-on and all) and put a bit of f#cking effort into my Mcing and enjoy it a little more - I also drank some confidence juice.

I introduced one of my favorite bands in the Mountain Goats, who were really nice in the few words they said to me. Telling me to "Go for it" and "Do what you do best". So I quickly masturbated then introduced them and referenced them to an apple I was eating.

Eg. The next band is like this apple (bite) delicious.

This was when I noticed that when introducing the bigger bands, you can say anything and people will cheer their fucking heads off!

Eg. Do you like Josh Pike? (Crowd – cheer) Well that's a pretty amazing co-incidence because here he is!

Eg. Are you here to see the Bees? (Crowd – cheer) Well take the tomatoes out of my salad because here they are!

The rest of my intros and announcements were very disciplined and simple after the "Poonanany/Kaboomba" incident. I introduced the Bees on the main stage, sat around back stage with a few of the bands. The f#ck stain guy from Sleepy Jackson pushed my Girlfriend Kelly out of the way and stood in front of her like she was nothing when Modest Mouse was on, not cool considering he is much taller. Also, when I approached the Eskimo Joe guys to tell them that I had been asked to make a quick announcement before they went on and if they wanted me to intro them as well, the lead guy pretty much said "Talk to the hand". I explained to him that the "Talk to the hand" was pretty old and used and that a million people had done the thing before – he must have thought it was original. He really said "No. Any announcements will be made by our drummer." Which was ok with me but still a bit fucked. Their drummer didn't mention anything that I was asked to say. Not even anything about playing dicks like guitars. Actually he said nothing. Typical. Drummer always pushed into the back, not allowed to talk. They may as well play with one arm! Actually, I reckon the Def Leopard drummer cut his arm off in protest to drummer not being appreciated! I felt like that drummer.

Although, walking out in front of 15000 people to introduce Wolfmother to play into the New Year was totally nuts. You know when you go to a concert and you're waiting ages for the band you love to appear and then someone walks on stage with a microphone and you are so far back you think it could be them, even though they are considerably shorter and afro-less, and then they talk and you think it must be them and then lose your fucking mind and scream? No? Well that's what it was like, I guess.

I walked out and said "Hello Falls Festival" and people lost their shit! They must have been so worried about losing their shit that they screamed their lungs out about it. I wanted to yell, "It's in your colon! You're poo sack! You're shit is in your poo sack!"

Anyway, I introduced them and I don't really remember what I said, I think some thankyous to everyone, I think I even told them to "Take their shit with them when they leave" and to "Show a little respect for the environment". It was pretty full on. Maybe it is just me being a bit sensational but it was crazy. To have that many people scream when you walk onto a stage is just nuts! Especially when earlier in the day I was getting yelled to "Get off". Don't get me wrong, I knew they weren't screaming for me, but they were screaming nonetheless, and it was a pretty crazy feeling.

Anyway, that's my experience for anyone who cares. I wonder if I'll be asked back next year? I also wonder if somewhere in that crowd on the 30th of Dec, some guy pulled his Willy out and played it like a guitar then looked around and said "Hey?????" If he did, to him I say: "Thank you"