Feeling what it’s like to perform in front of 15000 screaming people without being in a band - the horrors of performing comedy at a music festival

Now I've performed comedy to maybe 1000 people at the most – and that was pretty daunting. Performing Comedy at the Falls Festival to about 3000 people was also quite scary – especially when you realize that how ever much you may want it to be – not everyone there is actually there to see you. Although, I didn't actually realize this until the next day. Performing to 1000 to 3000 people who aren't there to see you is tough (unless you convince them otherwise). Performing to 1000-3000 drunk people, standing, who've been watching bands, who don't know or care who you are, some who have massive bogan-like tendencies and yell "Get Off" before you've actually walked on stage, is F#CKED! That said, introducing Wolfmother to over 15000 people who aren't there to see you, but know you're introducing Wolfmother is F#cking Amazing!

I'll start at the beginning though.

When I was asked to MC for Falls, at first I just thought it was for the comedy and I was happy. When I got a call that was asking me to MC the bands on the Main Stage I was scared shitless (I literally couldn't shit – went to the doctor – he said you're not constipated – you're actually so scared you can no longer defecate). Pretty much that was the only information I got before walking onto the stage before Akmal.

If any comedians are reading this then I learnt a very valuable lesson in comedy. Introduction is the lifeblood of the dragon, without it the Dragon will be lost and unable to perform to its full comedic ability. I walked onto the stage and saw people leaning over the barrier like they were ready to see UB40 or some other wicked band. Unfortunately for me I wasn't UB40. That said, I didn't do too bad. I made my jokes about Falls and Camping and Dicks – so they didn't mind it and were relating to me. I did a bit of a shit intro to Akmal by telling the audience comically to "F#ck themselves" right before introducing him – lucky for him, he's not a Dragon and he kicked his performance in the dick. He was also a very nice guy and so was his wife as was Eddie Perfect and his lady friend – It was really nice to meet comedians who weren't arrogant and self-righteous toss bags.

Then it was onto the Main Stage to Intro The Vasco Era – More really nice guys, whom also weren't bags of toss (I'll mention some bands who were filled to the brim with toss later). I did however get in a bit of strife for my introduction. I finally got a bit of information as to what I was supposed to say and do from the organizers. I was supposed to tell people to be nice to the rubbish collectors and the staff, to go to the hippy village in the forest, to try the veal and tip the waitress. Instead I told about 10000 people that when the clock strikes 12 midnight on the 30th of December (New Years Eve Eve) that it was a Falls Festival Tradition for all the men to yell "Poonanay!" then pull out their penis' and play them like guitars (also known as "The Willy Banjo"), while this is happening all the women yell "Kaboomba!" grab themselves by the breasts and knock them together. Not EXACTLY what I was supposed to say – but I tried to explain that I was trying to get people's attention – I also wanted to see if anyone actually did it. The reason I got in a bit of trouble is that the organizers of Falls don't really want to condone Bogan behavior and see the festival to be more of a music festival rather than a Yobbo New Years Piss up. The irony being that by the time I had finished telling them to check out "The Hippy Village", the audience was chanting "Warnie". Could it be that all my Willy Banjo, "Poonanay" and "Kaboomba" talk had turned the entire crowd into Shane Warne worshipping, lower socio economic yobs????? To make up for my faux par I announce that the "Era of Shane Warne was over and that there was a dawning of a New Era! – The Vasco Era!!" – best introduction to a band with an audience chanting for a fat, womanizing cricket yob EVER!

The Vasco guys also asked me and my girl and a few other friends to dance on stage with them, which was also great. Especially great as we got to dance with the likes of Michael Franti, a guy who managed to be everywhere – sadly I would like to say we became friends and he hugged me and said "Jon, you are a beautiful person and I would like to put myself in you." But dancing was the best I could do.

Modest Mouse and Franti and Spearhead were awesome as you can imagine. And we had a great New Years Eve Eve. Lets just say it rained the next day due to my Dancing up a storm!

On day two, I was pretty tired and surprisingly a lot more nervous than day one. I met Justin Hazelwood (Bedroom Philosopher) and Charlie Pickering before the comedy and chatted about shit. I have met Charlie a few times (Including one crazy night performing in Wagga for the MS Comedy Gala). Charlie is one of those guys who is pretty much funny all the time, which would normally make me happy, but this day it instead made my confidence shoot down into a pit of despair (self doubt is a cruel mistress with a strap-on). I enjoyed chatting to Charlie and Justin before hand a bit too much to prepare my material properly – so in hosting I delved into my old jokes that I loathe so much I feel dirty when they leave my mouth – a little bit like Bart Simpson when he loses the faith in the words "I didn't do it". We were on a bit later than the day before and people were drunker and louder. There were not as many people there to see us and even less to see me. About 2 seconds before I was to go on the Stage manager asked me to tell the audience that it was raining and they should secure their tents and wind the windows up on their cars. So to send them away before the performances start is not really a good way of promoting the next act! I may as well tell them to "Go F#ck themselves" – oh hold on, I said that the day before… This was the day of walking on stage to hear "Get off!" before I even spoke. Then after my first joke, "Bring Charlie on!" Now, I'm assured that this was only 2 drunk dick-heads yelling and people were actually laughing but to me it was a little like my inner child was saying the same thing as he was getting beaten by the cruel mistress with the strap on. On the second yelling of "Bring Charlie on" the mistress had taken me from behind and was thrusting while my inner child wept. I succumbed and introduced Charlie without even finishing my joke – I even apologized to him like a feeble turd burger as we shook hands. I'm getting pretty good at this MC stuff!

Charlie kicked it in the dick! Well he actually kicked Tim Rodgers metaphorically in the Dick as apparently Tim Rodgers threatened to punch Charlie on stage the night before. This was after Justin (Bedroom – 1st name basis) actually said jokes about him and Tim got confused and threatened Charlie (A story that isn't mine so I wont tell it – but it's funny). The Bedroom Philosopher also played a great set and made me realize what professionalism is. It's not apologizing to the next comedian as you welcome them on stage.

So that was my comedy performances at Falls 2006 – not totally shit but I like to call it a learning experience.

After the comedy I turned my frown upside down and decided that I was going to put my inner child to bed (as he'd had a pretty big day – getting beaten with a strap-on and all) and put a bit of f#cking effort into my Mcing and enjoy it a little more - I also drank some confidence juice.

I introduced one of my favorite bands in the Mountain Goats, who were really nice in the few words they said to me. Telling me to "Go for it" and "Do what you do best". So I quickly masturbated then introduced them and referenced them to an apple I was eating.

Eg. The next band is like this apple (bite) delicious.

This was when I noticed that when introducing the bigger bands, you can say anything and people will cheer their fucking heads off!

Eg. Do you like Josh Pike? (Crowd – cheer) Well that's a pretty amazing co-incidence because here he is!

Eg. Are you here to see the Bees? (Crowd – cheer) Well take the tomatoes out of my salad because here they are!

The rest of my intros and announcements were very disciplined and simple after the "Poonanany/Kaboomba" incident. I introduced the Bees on the main stage, sat around back stage with a few of the bands. The f#ck stain guy from Sleepy Jackson pushed my Girlfriend Kelly out of the way and stood in front of her like she was nothing when Modest Mouse was on, not cool considering he is much taller. Also, when I approached the Eskimo Joe guys to tell them that I had been asked to make a quick announcement before they went on and if they wanted me to intro them as well, the lead guy pretty much said "Talk to the hand". I explained to him that the "Talk to the hand" was pretty old and used and that a million people had done the thing before – he must have thought it was original. He really said "No. Any announcements will be made by our drummer." Which was ok with me but still a bit fucked. Their drummer didn't mention anything that I was asked to say. Not even anything about playing dicks like guitars. Actually he said nothing. Typical. Drummer always pushed into the back, not allowed to talk. They may as well play with one arm! Actually, I reckon the Def Leopard drummer cut his arm off in protest to drummer not being appreciated! I felt like that drummer.

Although, walking out in front of 15000 people to introduce Wolfmother to play into the New Year was totally nuts. You know when you go to a concert and you're waiting ages for the band you love to appear and then someone walks on stage with a microphone and you are so far back you think it could be them, even though they are considerably shorter and afro-less, and then they talk and you think it must be them and then lose your fucking mind and scream? No? Well that's what it was like, I guess.

I walked out and said "Hello Falls Festival" and people lost their shit! They must have been so worried about losing their shit that they screamed their lungs out about it. I wanted to yell, "It's in your colon! You're poo sack! You're shit is in your poo sack!"

Anyway, I introduced them and I don't really remember what I said, I think some thankyous to everyone, I think I even told them to "Take their shit with them when they leave" and to "Show a little respect for the environment". It was pretty full on. Maybe it is just me being a bit sensational but it was crazy. To have that many people scream when you walk onto a stage is just nuts! Especially when earlier in the day I was getting yelled to "Get off". Don't get me wrong, I knew they weren't screaming for me, but they were screaming nonetheless, and it was a pretty crazy feeling.

Anyway, that's my experience for anyone who cares. I wonder if I'll be asked back next year? I also wonder if somewhere in that crowd on the 30th of Dec, some guy pulled his Willy out and played it like a guitar then looked around and said "Hey?????" If he did, to him I say: "Thank you"